Am I the A**hole?
A popular sub-channel on Reddit entitled AITA (Am I the Asshole?) provides anonymous commenters the opportunity to poll the community for a judgment on their actions. They’re often hilarious, ruthless, and entirely inappropriate – a true microcosm of the internet in general. Despite never having asked for it, I’ve had some of my own AITA submissions and felt it was only fitting to share them here with you today. Judge away!
Q: I walk my dog off-leash in a dense urban environment, AITA?
A: Yes, you’re an asshole! While you saunter around the neighborhood listening to your own internal soundtrack of Matthew Wilder’s “Break my Stride”, your unleashed canine poses a threat to everyone with each successive paw print. I don’t care how docile and obedient you think your Malti-Doodle is, when me and my schizophrenic Doberman, who has a thirst for blood and a desire to sow chaos at any opportunity round the corner and startle you, I don’t want to see any tears shed when little Joffrey runs into rush-hour traffic, and you’re left screaming from the sidewalk like Florence Pugh in Midsommar. Use the goddamn leash!
Q: I am Kansas City Chiefs placekicker Harison Butker, AITA?
A: Yes, you’re an asshole! Looking past the fact that you dress like the main villain from a Gaysploytation film, your antiquated ideas of women’s roles in society are both pathetic and uninspired. You’re giving, “Youth pastor hiding his Grindr account on an Android,” and neither your literal nor figurative beard is fooling anyone. Grow up!
Q: I have made owning the Cybertruck my entire identity, AITA?
A: Yes, you’re an asshole! On a good day, it looks like you’re driving around a truck-sized piece of brutalist sculpture art that one would find inside the apartment of Benjamin Kane from Wayne’s World. On a bad day, you look like someone who explains away all of the terrible features of the car by referencing your favorite Elon Musk “diss tweets.” Get a cooler car!
Q: I’m Supreme Court Justice Samuel Alito, AITA?
A: Yes, your honor, you’re an asshole! When you’re not writing the majority opinion revoking a woman’s right to agency over her own body, you’re blaming your wife for how shitty you are at NOT hanging insurrectionist flags! Do you know how easy it is to not put those on the flag poles at your residences? Vacate your seat!
Q: I know what I want to order before I reach the front of the line at the fast-casual restaurant, AITA?
A: No, beloved, you are not an asshole! While others stare blankly at the menu trying to remember what the difference between birria and carnitas is despite the fact that they’re in a Ramen shop, you have done the due diligence required of responsible food purchasers. Your efficiency is lauded by both the employees and your fellow line companions. You’re a peach!
Q: I’m really into Insane Clown Posse, AITA?
A: It depends! While some ICP fanatics attend the yearly Gathering of the Juggalos to bask in the shared appreciation of community, acceptance, and Faygo showers, there are others who will strip the copper wire out of your house while you try to catch their brother who just stole the catalytic converter from your Prius. Be the former!
Q: I hate Dolly Parton and Nicolas Cage, AITA?
A: You’re not just an asshole; you might be a sociopath! Dolly Parton is a gift to humanity and will no doubt be sanctified posthumously for her numerous good deeds and countless miracles. Meanwhile, Nicolas Cage has only ever been guilty of giving 200% to every role he’s ever received. He may not say “no” very often, but we’re all the richer for it. Go see a therapist!