Elon Musk Bought My Lemonade Stand

My name is Oliver, I’m six years old, and three days ago in a hostile takeover, Elon Musk bought my lemonade stand. 

Life for me is pretty straightforward. My mom wakes me up in the morning and makes me my Eggo French Toast Sticks, half a banana, strawberry yogurt, and a glass of water. I settle into my food and see what the Pokemon Trading Card Market got up to yesterday. I then go to school, destroy the will of my classmates in dodgeball, get picked up, eat dinner, take a bath, and tuck into sleep around 8:30 pm. Life is good, but sometimes, a kid needs more.

You see, there’s this boy at my school named Zane. Zane is an insufferable rube whom I normally wouldn’t give the time of day. However, Zane has an unrivaled collection of Pokemon cards. Playing Pokemon against Zane is a lot like having a water gun fight against a kid armed with a fire hose. Not one to wallow in my sorrows, I realized something needed to be done and that something required capital. In order to better bolster my Pokemon roster, I needed cold hard cash, and my bi-weekly allowance of $3.50 and a Fruit Rollup wasn’t cutting it. So I decided to open up a lemonade stand.

I did some market research, realized the space was saturated with coffee shops and nail salons and determined an “artisanal lemonade experience” had viability in my neighborhood. Within two weeks of opening my doors on the corner of Brompton Ave and Westhall Dr, I was bringing in an average of $27 in net profit after supplies and taxes. While I was happy, this wasn’t going to get me any closer to the rare and powerful Charizard X card I’d been obsessing over. Sales needed to increase and they needed to increase quickly. So, I did what any six-year-old small-business owner would do – I began a Twitter war with Elon Musk. 

I went directly for the jugular right off the bat, “@elonmusk, I heard you don’t let people drink lemonade in your space rockets. @JeffBezos says people can drink lemonade in space whenever they want. Sad!” Not thinking much of it, I carried on about my day until my Paw Patrol iPad wouldn’t stop buzzing with notifications. In the 47 minutes since I’d posted my tweet, not only had I amassed 22,743 new followers, but Elon Musk himself had responded.

“@LemonadeKing_2022 it’s only YOUR lemonade I don’t want on my rocket ships, I heard it tastes like sour poop!” First of all, you kiss your mother with that mouth, Elon? Potty talk like that is a surefire way to a 15-minute timeout in these parts. Secondly, it was at this moment that I understood war was upon us. Hard times create strong men and I’m not one to back down from a challenge. Just ask my friend Robbie Prokopp who bet me I wouldn’t eat an entire Pringles can full of ketchup - who’s laughing now, Robbie? 

What ensued was a digital tête-à-tête, the likes of which have never been seen. With each barb exchanged, I gained more followers and more customers. Sales skyrocketed and my operation expanded at breakneck speed. It seemed with every diss Elon tried to throw my way, the public just embraced me more. It was like some sort of Midas Troll Touch - whenever Elon disparaged us, we got bigger and stronger. 

Then, it happened. I had just opened up one of the lemonade stands and was about to test out a new flavor (Açaí-ha Cowboy!), when I was served with the papers. Elon Musk was mounting a hostile takeover of my business. Naturally, he took to Twitter to explain his rationale, citing a desire for “less combative citrus beverage dialogue” and “an open-source marketplace for recipe sharing and formulation.” I wasn’t going to go down without a fight. 

I hired the best lawyers money could buy (Fisher, Price, Osh, Kosh, & Begosh Law Group) and formulated my strategy. Elon was a shrewd raider and had been secretly buying up the properties on which my lemonade stands had leases. What he didn’t know, however, was that I’d been setting up lemonade stands in the Metaverse and minting “Bored Elon” NFTs at a furious pace. Thanks to some handy accounting, a few offshore holding companies, and the beauty of cryptocurrencies, I was able to secretly scoop up a 51% share of Tesla AND SpaceX.

So, while Elon is now the sole proprietor of Oliver’s Lemonade Stand Inc., I get to decide what to name the next Tesla model and which planet I feel like exploring in the future. Oh, and I got that Charizard X card – I’ll see you on the playground, Zane.