National Treasure 3: Dead on Arrival
Recently, famed thespian and voice of a generation, Nicolas Cage, sat down for an exclusive interview with Screen Rant. Among other topics, Mr. Cage made the disappointing claim that there would not be a National Treasure 3. For years, fans had held out hope that a third installment to the National Treasure franchise would one day emerge. Anticipation only grew with the release of the single-season TV production, National Treasure: Edge of History. It seems that the top brass at Disney may be behind the decision to cancel any future National Treasure films, with Cage claiming, “If you want to find treasure, don't look at Disney, okay? It's not there.”
While Bob Iger has done many terrible things (I once saw him publicly disparage Dolly Parton), denying the world a third NT film is undoubtedly at the top of the list. To add salt to the wound, I recently received a few pages of the script from an unnamed source (his name rhymes with Brickolas Sage) and all I can say is, we will all be poorer for never having seen this film.
Without further ado, I present a short excerpt from the shelved film known internally as National Treasure: Half-Life of Horrors.
(Friend reminder for those of us who may not be National Treasure die-hards: BENJAMIN FRANKLIN GATES is played by the inimitable Nicolas Cage, RILEY POOLE is played by Justin Bartha, and ABIGAIL CHASE is played by Diane Kruger)
INT. ABANDONED CHUCK E. CHEESE - DAY
RILEY POOLE
(walking around bewildered with a Geiger counter)
So, I don’t mean to be a downer or anything, but why exactly are we in an abandoned Chuck E. Cheese in Trenton, New Jersey?
BENJAMIN FRANKLIN GATES is frantically ripping the limbs off the animatronic Munch’s Make Believe Band members.
BENJAMIN FRANKLIN GATES
The clue on the cipher said, “Where the music is live, and the pizza is luke/the treasure will shine when the rat king rebukes.”
ABIGAIL CHASE emerges from the back kitchen with a pizza box that still has a whole pizza with no mold or decomposition whatsoever.
ABIGAIL CHASE
Public records state this establishment was closed down in late 2013, but this pizza looks like it was cooked yesterday.
RILEY
(reaching for a slice of the pizza)
Maybe it was cooked yesterday…
ABIGAIL
(slaps his hand away)
It’s in a promotional pizza box for the Black Eyed Peas' “Boom Boom Pow” single release party, Riley. You may want to skip the free lunch today.
A loud crashing sound followed by the smell of burning electronics, interrupts the moment.
BENJAMIN
(holding the severed animatronic head of Charles Entertainment Cheese)
I figured it out!
RILEY
Jesus! And I thought the rats in the city were big.
BENJAMIN
I thought the answer was inside one of these robots…
ABIGAIL
(interrupts)
… animatronic musician.
BENJAMIN
… my apologies; I forgot they’re unionized.
(Places the rat head atop three exposed light bulbs from a busted Whack-a-Mole game)
According to the cipher, the “treasure will shine when the rat king rebukes.” I thought that meant there was a clue inside the rat.
RILEY
Why do I feel like things are about to get weird?
BENJAMIN flicks on the Whack-a-Mole game and the accompanying light instantly casts a glowing message onto the wall via the eyes of the Chuck E. Cheese head.
BENJAMIN
Eureka…
ABIGAIL
(reading aloud the message cast onto the wall)
“The power of the sun in the palm of your hand…
RILEY
(continues reading)
“...can turn monuments to dust and cities to sand.”
BENJAMIN
(continues reading)
“No longer in need of battalions of troops…”
ALL IN UNISON
“The nation’s last treasure resides with the nukes.”
ABIGAIL
Ok, so… what the hell does this even mean?
RILEY
I still don’t even know what the hell we’re searching for and if anyone was wondering, I’m still starving.
BENJAMIN
(pacing the floor and thinking aloud)
The power of the sun, the power of light? The Egyptians worshiped Ra, the creator of all things and god of the sun. Is this some type of Egyptian allegory leading to the treasure of the lost Pharaoh Akhenaten?
ABIGAIL
If the treasure were Egyptian in origin, then what is the significance of the reference to troops and nukes?
BENJAMIN
“No longer in need of battalions of troops”… maybe a reference to new technology on the battlefield? But yes, Abigail, you’re right, nukes are a historically new weapon. Why would an Egyptian treasure be connected to that?
RILEY begins searching around the Whack-a-mole machine where the rat head is perched.
RILEY
Seriously, if I don’t find something edible soon, I’m going to go into shock. I have hypoglycemia.
While searching, RILEY accidentally whacks a mole, dislodging the rat head and inadvertently casting a new image onto the wall.
RILEY
(unaware of what he’s done)
I think I found an unopened Power Bar down here!
BENJAMIN and ABIGAIL both stare at the new image in disbelief
ABIGAIL
Is that a… American football?
BENJAMIN
My God, why didn’t I realize it sooner…
ABIGAIL
This means something to you?
RILEY
Oh god, it’s Oatmeal-Raisin flavored. I already ate the whole thing without looking, and I’m allergic to raisins.
BENJAMIN
“The nation’s last treasure resides with the nukes”! The football! Nukes and a football?!
ABIGAIL
My German upbringing is on full display here, Ben. Please enlighten me.
BENJAMIN
The nuclear football!
RILEY
(his breathing becoming more labored)
Guys… I seriously need help. I think… I think my throat is closing up…
ABIGAIL
The nuclear football? As in, the briefcase that holds the launch codes for the United States’ nuclear arsenal?
BENJAMIN
Sehr gut, mein fraulein! Can turn cities and monuments to dust and sand! The power of the sun! Nuclear fission! Whatever the treasure is, it’s in that nuclear football.
RILEY
(sounding more labored and making gurgling noises)
Please…tell mother…love her…
ABIGAIL
Well, how the HELL are we supposed to get that, Benjamin? It has to be one of the most highly secure pieces of technology in the entire world.
BENJAMIN
(staring at the projected football with eyes alight with determination)
We’re gonna steal the President of the United States of America.
BENJAMIN stabs RILEY with an epi-pen as “Lump” by The Presidents of the United States of America begins playing.
FADE OUT