New ICE-TSA Airport Security Protocols

1. Liquids must remain under 3oz. unless you’ve got White Monster Energy, in which case I hope you brought enough for the whole fucking squad, bro.

2. Laptops no longer need to be removed from your bag because laptops are no longer allowed through security. Only libtard nerds use laptops for their presentations on “Critical Race Theory for Preschoolers” or “How to Build an Antifa Militia with Trans Athlete Soldiers”.

3. “TSA Pre-Check” will heretofore be known as “Palantir Presents the Freedom Pass Express Lane”. Membership will cost 47 Trump Coins (renews annually without notification), and members will be required to attend a two-hour “Freedom Re-education” seminar led by a holographic interpretation of Pete Hegseth dressed as General Patton.

4. In the event ICE-TSA agents suspect you may be an illegal immigrant and/or a non-white, passengers will be required to pass an America First Pop-Quiz. Passengers must answer at least 8 of the 10 questions correctly to continue on to their destination. Examples of the questions that may be asked can be found below:

   1. How gay is the new Iranian Ayatollah?

   2. Which cast of Bravo’s Real Housewives franchise is Lindsey Graham’s favorite?

   3. How many more pushups do you think President Trump can do than Obama?

   4. What is Kevin Sorbo’s favorite flavor of TCBY?

5. If you can do 20 pull-ups, you don’t have to go through the metal detectors, my dog.

6. If you can help an ICE-TSA agent refinance their loan on the new Ford Raptor truck they bought on a 144-month term at 12.87% APR, you don’t have to go through the metal detectors, my dog.

7. Outside food is no longer permitted through security unless you’ve got a Buffalo Wild Wings 20/20 Wing Combo with Golden Fire and Lemon Pepper Hot, in which case, I hope you brought enough for the whole fucking squad, bro.

8. In the event of a random bag search, ICE-TSA can keep anything they find in your bag that they think is dope.

9. Every 15 minutes, the security line will stop processing passengers, wherein ICE-TSA agents will lead everyone in reciting the Pledge of Allegiance.

10. ICE-TSA agents may use lethal force in the event of, but not limited to, the following:

    1. You’re being a little bitch

    2. You’re wearing Patagonia (and/or any other woke-ass brands)

    3. You look Antifa

    4. You’re annoying

    5. You’re traveling to a Blue State

11. If you’re hot, you don’t have to go through the metal detectors, my dog.

12. If you attempt to framemogg an ICE-TSA agent, you will be tasermaxxed.

13. ICE-TSA can reroute your final destination if they think you’re being fucking lame, bro.

Any feedback, complaints, or criticisms can be emailed to ShutUp@DeptofFuckYou.gov. Thank you for your attention to this matter.