Things that confuse me
Tattoo shops
How are these financially viable? I seem to only see tattoo shops in the highest-per-capita retail locations possible. Just the other day, I was strolling Rodeo Dr., and sandwiched between the Hermès Alkaline Water shop and the Patek Philippe x La Marzocco boutique was a tattoo shop. Dead empty. Admittedly, I know precisely nothing about tattoo pricing, so maybe they’re printing money? Are tattoos charged hourly? Is $5,000 for a skull and crossbones (WITHOUT any Nazi connotations) a reasonable offering? Tattoo shops are either money-laundering operations for handwritten sandwich-board conglomerates, or they have tax-exempt status.
The rules of cricket
I pride myself on my research capabilities, ok? However, I have tried no fewer than 10 times to try and figure out what the hell is going on in cricket, and every single time I am more confused than when I started, and it doesn’t help that all of the terminology sounds like footnotes to a J.R.R. Tolkien manuscript. Why do the games take multiple days? Why are the games called “tests”? If the United States put forth a serious effort to play, would we be dominant? The field is a circle? They can score 400 runs unless it’s a Twenty20, and then they’re only scoring 180? What the HELL is even happening with leg before wicket??
People walking in public
I’ve been walking for quite a while now. I’m a bit of an expert on the discipline. Yet, I find it confusing that, seemingly, everywhere I go, I encounter individuals who appear to be walking in public for the first time in their lives. What’s happening here? Four people abreast on a narrow walkway in a retail location? Randomly halting in the middle of a people mover at the airport to do some air squats? Walking in the direct opposite flow of foot traffic leaving a Dodger game while performing jumping jacks? Where are they coming from and how do they keep finding me wherever I walk?
Fitted sheets
Where does it start? Where does it end? Has anyone ever put a fitted sheet back onto their bed correctly the first time? I think the tag is supposed to go at the bottom, but what if I put it on the incorrect side? Are you telling me this bundling of loose fabric on the sides of my mattress is normal? I know people say you can “fold” these things, but I’m still trying to remove every single piece of damp clothing I own from its jaws of life after pulling it out of the dryer, where it’s been spinning maniacally for the past 4 hours.
Magnets
What’s really going on here? You’re telling me these two often identical objects are diametrically opposed to one another and absolutely refuse to be joined together no matter how terrific the force applied – unless you just flip them around? This is witchcraft, and I’m tired of pretending that it’s not. This is blatant boil, boil, toil, and trouble stuff happening right out in the open, and no one is even batting an eye. What’s next, invisible frequencies that transport internet connectivity across devices??
Stocks
The ups and downs of the stock market make absolutely no sense to me. Company A’s stock price is up 20 points, but they told everyone 3 months ago they guessed it would be up 30 points, so now it’s going to go down 40 points? Assholes like Elon Musk can just talk about a stock being cool, and that will cause the price to go up? The same Elon Musk that is shaped like a racist ream of steel coil balanced atop hockey sticks? If the market tanks too hard, we just shut it down so that people don’t jump out of office buildings in downtown Manhattan? Also, what is a portfolio and where do I get one?
Faking injuries in soccer
Soccer is the most famous sport in the world and has long been dominated by countries such as France, Spain, Italy, Brazil, and Argentina. Do you know what all of these countries have in common? Rampant cultures of machismo where insults to one’s masculinity used to be met with a duel to the death. But now, these guys just flop on the ground as if they have IED’s going off in their boots whenever someone blinks too close to them. How are they able to cry on command so quickly? Why is no one batting an eye when the same guy who was crying for a priest to read him his last rites is now casually approaching the free kick that was awarded to him? Is this why the United States is never going to win a World Cup?
The pronunciation of Los Feliz
Angelenos are no strangers to Spanish. The language exists everywhere around us. Yet, I will hear someone pronounce Cahuenga, La Cienega, carne asada, barbacoa, and Figueroa perfectly without missing a beat, but Los Feeeeeee-less is just a bridge too far. Where does the disconnect occur? Is it east of the 101? I once heard a woman at the Mar Vista farmer’s market remind her husband to “buy a jug of Horchata for the Feliz Navidad party we’re going to in Los Fee-less”. I hope they had to sit in so much traffic on Seple-Veeda Blvd.