Trump Administration Job Postings
Apply for your next government opportunity today!
ICE Agent
About ICE
For the past twenty-two years, ICE has been at the forefront of border policing and enforcement. ICE aims to disrupt and reimagine the way a nation can instill fear in the hearts of immigrants and citizens alike. We’re looking for passionate idiots who won’t take no for an answer and aren’t afraid to roll up their sleeves to expose their Nazi/White Supremacist tattoos.
Position Overview
As a member of ICE, you’ll be a part of one of the fastest-growing arms of the Trump regime. You’ll participate in raids, illegal search and seizure, the violation of constitutional rights, and general thuggery. Ideal candidates will have precisely zero curiosity about the legal ramifications of their actions and a proven track record of “just following orders”.
Your Qualifications
A deep-seated fear of a changing cultural landscape
Racism
A fragile ego
Your own mask
The ability to utilize scripture to justify your crimes
Poor trigger discipline
A BMI of 27 or higher
Key Responsibilities
Kidnapping
Shooting innocents
Destruction of property
Homewrecking
Crashing cars
Perks and Benefits
Zero accountability
A ghost gun for high crimes and misdemeanors
The hatred of a nation
The chance to act on your most primal racist and bigoted ideals
Department of War (DOW) Analyst
About DOW
The Department of War represents the best and brightest the nation has to offer when it comes to unwarranted provocation. Bigger, bolder, and more homicidal, the Department of War is where the toughest of tough guys come to live, laugh, and antagonize. If you’ve always dreamed of shooting first and asking questions later, the Department of War is for you!
Position Overview
As a DOW analyst, you will be tasked with ignoring information and utilizing company time to share right-wing memes. You’ll read between the lines and thrive in finding creative ways to make the facts support the murders. Ideal candidates will be unable to identify more than 2% of the countries that comprise Latin America on a map.
Your Qualifications
Stupidity
An encyclopedic knowledge of Secretary Pete Hegseth’s greatest hits when he was a host on Fox News.
The ability to complete three (3) consecutive chin-ups while RFK Jr. warbles about autism in your ear.
Wanton disregard for confidentiality and state secret protocols
A worldview informed directly by the Call of Duty franchise
Key Responsibilities
Identify fishing boats or pleasure cruises to blast out of the water
Know Secretary Hegseth’s coffee order (quadruple vodka & a splash of espresso syrup)
Identify testing sites for nuclear detonation
Utilize AI to make big scary tough-guy social media videos
Manage all top secret and confidential Signal chats and Instagram DMs
Perks and Benefits
401K (in Trump Coin)
$10 off a monthly Curves Fitness membership
Cirrhosis
Zero accountability
East Wing Ballroom Transition Manager
About The Ballroom
The former East Wing of the White House is undergoing one of the most exciting revolutions since 1776! Get your foot in the gilded door of the hottest destruction project in D.C. and become part of something that is absolutely not a front for embezzlement!
Position Overview
Reporting directly to the Director of Facilities Propaganda, the Ballroom Transition Manager will oversee the obfuscation of destroyed White House artifacts, the allocation of no-show jobs to pre-approved personnel, and the sowing of general chaos. Previous experience with book-cooking is highly desired. DISCLAIMER: This position deals in NO WAY WHATSOEVER with sexual transitions so please DO NOT contact us in complaint.
Your Qualifications
8-10 years experience doing literally anything else
Ability to thrive in a kleptocratic environment
Deep understanding of the “Neo-Dictator Oppulent” architectural design ethos
An inattention to detail
Professional connections to the worst people in entertainment
Key Responsibilities
Handy with a can of gold spraypaint
Erect privacy screens around the grounds to keep nosy journalists out
Gaudification of many and all things
Booking and managing the “Kid Rock Patriot Power Hour” ariety show for the first year of operation
Perks and Benefits
Stomach ulcers
Mar-a-Lago face
No mental health days
Historical infamy
White House Communications Assistant
About WH Comms
Our mission at The White House Communications team is to wake up every morning motivated and inspired to look America dead in the eye and lie. No tough truth is too big and no lie is too flimsy. We are tough, dumb, and don’t back down from a fight, no matter how stupid we sound.
Position Overview
Reporting directly to WH Press Secretary Karoline Leavitt, the WH Comms Assistant will aid in the harassment and chiding of real journalists while simultaneously platforming charlatans and clowns. A background in snakeoil sales is preferred but not necessary.
Your Qualifications
Alarming stupidity
Lack of spine
Inability to feel shame
A mask of contentment that belies the barren emotional pit rotting away within your soul
Experience denigrating a room of people who have the gall to ask for facts
Fluent in “Trumpbonics”
Key Responsibilities
Talking that shit
Below the belt insults
Doxxing your enemies
Media shaming
Banning detractors from the press pool
Lying
Seriously, like, SO much lying
Perks and Benefits
The adoration of a madman
Probable sexual harassment
An existential crisis of morality in your 50s
Dental
Senior Director Tariff Implementation
About Tariffs
Tariffs are the hammer and sickle of the MAGA movement. Tariffs are not taxes? Tariffs are money we get for free, right? Yeah, tariffs are money that the foreigners pay us, and then we take it for ourselves. Does that sound right? Am I even spelling “tariffs” correctly?
Position Overview
The Senior Director of Tariff Implementation will report directly to the Chief Tariff Czar and aid in the collection of tariff revenue. You will accept the bags of money from foreign nations wishing to do business with us. It’ll be like when you collect $200 for passing Go in Monopoly. You’ll just get the money, I think. You should probably bring a big wheelbarrow or maybe a truck or something. I don’t know.
Your Qualifications
A general understanding of tariffs
The ability to explain to a group of people who “theoretically” don’t understand tariffs, how they work
Knowledge of where you go to get all the tariffs
A C+ or better in Micro and Macro Econ 101 in college
Fluency with a TI-83 calculator
Math skills
Key Responsibilities
Getting the tariffs
Perks and Benefits
Free rein of the “Tariff Temple” (to be housed in the new WH Ballroom)
A rapt audience of key economic advisors who will look to you for literally any semblance of guidance as to what the hell is going on with the tariff situation
Free parking
A daily 15-minute time slot with Jim Cramer of Mad Money