What your favorite cereal says about you

There are few things more personally comforting to me than a bowl of cereal. Besides, of course, an oil tanker full of non-traceable bearer bonds and multiple passports in different names. But that perfect bowl of cereal with just the right amount of milk and crunch-to-soggy ratio? Pretty tough to beat. What you may not know is much like your preferred Power Ranger, the cereal you reach for can say a lot about the type of person you are. 

Frosted Flakes

Excess means nothing to you. If you could Amazon Prime a pet tiger, you would. Life is black and white. Either something is the worst or it’s greeeeeat – gray areas exist for inferior men. You’ve tasted nearly all of the Mountain Dew variations and doodle Lamborghinis with fire coming out of the exhaust in your notebooks.

Cheerios

You may want to consider adjusting your medication because you no longer experience joy. If the Catholic Church made a cereal out of communion wafers, it would be Cheerios. You’ve thought about jazzing it up with some sliced banana but aren’t sure how that would impact the “heart health” claims emblazoned on the box.

Cinnamon Toast Crunch

You talk about the “Cinnamon Toast Crunch milk” the cereal produces WAY too much. Your keyring looks and sounds more like a Cabasa than a keychain. You drink a lot of iced coffee and take all your calls on speakerphone.

Honey Bunches of Oats

Is it healthy? Is it a sugar cereal? Is it part of this complete breakfast? Who knows and, frankly, who cares? Much like you, this cereal is an enigma. Unencumbered by labels and conventions, it exists in the ether of possibility and imagination. Shine on, you beautiful maniac.

Lucky Charms

You do mushrooms and know the orientation of all planets in the solar system at any given moment. You also categorically REFUSE to enter into any financial relationship with a Pisces. 

Grape Nuts

You have multiple biodiesel vehicles and also probably titanium enhanced dental work because Grape Nuts isn’t so much cereal as it is packaged gravel.

Frankenberry

You have a “shaman” and go to Burning Man every year. Your favorite movie is Labyrinth and you’re in a Grateful Dead cover band with some people you know from your climbing gym.

Wheaties

You wanted to be a professional baseball player until you wanted to be a professional hockey player until you wanted to be a professional soccer player until you wanted to be a professional football player. Now you CrossFit 6x a week and walk the dog with ankle weights on.

Raisin Bran

You wear cardigans and often complain about “that damn draft.” You got an AARP membership card when you were 16 and watch a lot of CBS original programming. 

Cookie Crisp

C’mon man. You aren’t fooling anyone. You’re an unhinged sociopath. Cookies for breakfast? This is the exact type of devil-may-care attitude that got us into this mess in the first place. You’re probably a CEO of a wellness company.

Organic granola from the bins at the health store

Look, we get it. You’re healthy. You boof wheatgrass shots, make your own arnica, and milk your own almonds for milk. But what you don’t tell your friends is that you eat marshmallow fluff by the jarful every night before binging 6 episodes of Real Housewives: Dayton, Ohio. Sinner.