What Your Favorite Christmas Movie Says About You
It’s that time of year again. Where the hot chocolate spills on the rug covered in wrapping paper and the 200th request from your children to fix the Polar Express train that encircles your Christmas tree provoke a form of shell shock that leaves you wondering why the hell there are so many damn presents on their Christmas lists and do I get to make a Christmas list still? Does Santa know that I want lots of toys too, except the toys I want are expensive toys like a new pressure washer and a Rolex and a Fanatec steering wheel for my Playstation car video game? Despite all of those things, there is something else that the Christmas season signifies and that is Christmas films. Interested to know what your particular favorite may say about you? Then pull up a cozy chair, pour yourself a pitcher of bourbon with a splash of eggnog, and read on.
Home Alone
You started life as an entrepreneur. You sold watermelon lollipops from the Mexican market at a 100% markup to kids in your school. You’re now a bio-hacker and have optimized your entire household to run on automated Alexa prompts. You don’t consider yourself a “prepper,” but you do have a bugout bag and a year’s worth of freeze-dried food in a watertight storage facility. You have Rube-Goldberg-style traps and devices protecting everything important in your life.
Love Actually
You’re a Christmas romantic. You live for surprises and have Diamond Medallion status at Hallmark. You don’t have time for the new wave of Love Actually plothole pokers and prefer to simply bask in the quixotic charm of English Christmas. You’ve made a game of keeping tabs on how many actors from the film have gone on to even more successful roles and also maintain a disturbing disdain for Alan Rickman for what he did to Emma Thompson in the film.
The Family Stone
You are my wife. You perplex me because even though you watch this movie every single Christmas season, you cry as if it’s your first viewing. You have to explain the plot to me every time because it’s confusing, and I can’t remember if Claire Danes hates Rachel McAdams or if it’s Dermot Mulroney or Dylan McDermott I’m looking at. Thankfully, you wrap nearly all of the presents when you watch this so I keep the Hot Toddies flowing and leave you to your business.
A Christmas Story
The traditionalist. You give out Christmas Eve pajamas and set the Mr. Coffee to start brewing a pot of black at 6 am. You think more children should actually get coal in their stockings to help teach them a lesson and internally lament any Christmas morning that isn’t blanketed in snow. You insist your children watch this movie every year to “see what a real Christmas movie looks like.” You purchased your very own fishnet stocking leg lamp but haven’t had the courage to remove it from the box for fear of family members accidentally destroying it.
Christmas Vacation
You “get” comedy. You’re not impressed with more modern comedians like Bill Burr and Shane Gillis. You prefer the old standards like Steve Martin and “The Chase-man,” as you call him. You contend that Christmas Vacation is a dish best served with a pitcher of whiskey sours and enjoy retreating to the den to partake so you can better avoid your in-laws. You don’t necessarily think that Randy Quaid is the best Quaid but you’d rather get a drink with him over Dennis.
Die Hard
“Die Hard is a Christmas movie!” you say to anyone who will listen. Your fourteen-point thesis on why it qualifies as Yuletide cinema is expertly organized and well-argued. You forgo the more traditional Christmas light viewings and instead pile the family into the car to go see Nakatomi Plaza (Fox Plaza) instead. You insist Reginald VelJohnson is better known as Sgt. Al Powell, as opposed to Carl Winslow and your prized Christmas possession is a tree ornament of John McClane climbing through the HVAC ducts.
Elf
People around you can’t determine if your eternal optimism is legitimate or the product of chasing all your alcohol shots with a slug of maple syrup. You and the rest of the Elf Mob have an overabundance of Christmas cheer but WILL cut someone should they disparage your favorite Christmas film. You don’t think Zoey Deschanel has a weird singing voice and always remind everyone that Miles Finch plays Tyrion Lannister when Game of Thrones is on.
The Family Man
You adore Nicolas Cage. You relish his charm and nuance in portraying the role of fast-lane investment broker Jack Campbell. You tell anyone in the room how attractive Tea Leoni is and what a fool David Duchovny was to lose her. You turn up the Sonos soundbar to 100 during the scenes with the Ferrari 550 Maranello. You decry, “This is vintage Cage stuff right here,” upon every viewing. You are me, and you love this movie.