The State of the Union: My household
Good evening. Good evening.
(pauses for applause that isn’t there)
Madam Speaker (my wife), distinguished members of the house (my children), dog, and what surviving houseplants we still have, welcome, and thank you for attending. I can tell by the look on many of your faces that you forgot we were having this State of the Union tonight despite my declaration a week ago after cleaning up the kitchen for the seventh night in a row. I want you to know that I see your frustration and empathize with your annoyance that I’m speaking to you this evening in front of the TV you’re trying to watch. I can assure you, my fellow Americans, that the new live-action Avatar: The Last Airbender will be there when I am finished.
Franklin Delano Roosevelt once said, “I never forget that I live in a house owned by all the American people and that I have been given their trust.” Wise words from a wise man, yet I wonder how many soccer practices, baseball practices, and loads of laundry old Franklin did on a regular basis? You see, my fellow Americans, we’ve reached an inflection point in our time together. I look out at the assembled crowd gathered here tonight… please, put your hands down, children. I’m not taking questions tonight.
Where was I? Ah, yes, the inflection point. In our time together, the share of responsibilities has fallen heavily upon the shoulders of the Executive branch. Policy, both foreign and domestic, has long been one of unilateral control and purview. We are the ones that dictate the rules. We are the ones that enforce the rules. We are the ones who dole out punishments for any transgressions. While I realize none of you technically voted for me, I want to reiterate once more - these policies shall remain in place as long as I hold power!
(another dramatic pause for applause which is absent)
You may say that I rule with a firm hand and to that, I say that hard decisions must be made by hard men. And women, of course. I see Madam Speaker’s glaring eyes, and I want to ensure her our joint resolve has never been stronger. For what is an effective and unified Executive branch without its equally strong partners in the Legislative? In today’s deeply divisive environment, a strong partnership is worth its weight in gold and I want to thank the Madam Speaker for her continued efforts to maintain balance along with her iron grip on the family schedule and household purse strings.
While our shared power is resolute, we must remember that no government or household runs smoothly without the participation of all citizens. I’ll remind those assembled here tonight that I presented a bill that introduced a bipartisan effort to maintain a level of household cleanliness aimed at increasing overall mental sanity. A bill that asked every person here to do their part as citizens of a society. And yet, the socks on the floor remain. The backpacks on the floor remain. The shoes with inexplicably high levels of caked-on mud strewn about the living room remain.
And so I have decided to change tack. I have tried the carrot and now it is time for the stick. Effective immediately, the Dad-Tax on all treats for citizens of the household under the age of 18 years of age shall increase by 25% when stray items are found where they don’t belong. Accountability will be enforced!
(ensuing boos and screams of malfeasance ensue)
It is not a decision I make lightly. However, it is one that I hope can help usher us into a new era of cooperation and cohabitation.
On the subject of cooperation, I am happy to report that my new policy of ASWTLITBABTWBPITBOTO (Any Soaking Wet Towels Left in the Bathroom After Bath Time Will be Placed in the Bed of the Offenders) has yielded a remarkable 47% decrease in wantonly discarded bath towels. This is the type of real change we can see when we all put our party differences aside and unite against a common enemy, which, in this case, is the smell of mold in the bathroom that we all share.
Finally, I want to close with a vision of hope. Despite the fact that we’ve been seeing egregious overspending on snack foods and treats, the back seat of the family vehicle has been officially designated a natural disaster, and we are up to seven lost sweatshirts at school (a two-fold increase from the same time last year), the overall mood of the family is a jubilant one. “How?” you may be asking yourself. Well, my fellow Americans, I have recently approved and allocated the funds to acquire a brand new industrial-grade pressure washer that is so powerful that it could strip the green off the Statue of Liberty!
We are entering a new era of deep cleaning capabilities!
(pauses for rapturous applause that inexplicably still isn’t there)
We shall no longer fall victim to dirty exterior windows or hard-to-remove concrete stains!
(deftly dodges the Roku remote thrown by the Madam Speaker)
We will pressure wash all the things not because they are easy but because they are hard!
Thank you, everyone! God bless this house! God bless the new pressure washer! And God bless these United States of America!
Goodnight!
(presses play on the family Sonos, which begins playing “Don’t Stop Believin’” and exits the family room to additional boos and accusations of lunacy)